The Ten Commandments: London Transport Edition28th September 2016
There are plenty of places to find God in London – St Paul’s, Baitul Futuh Mosque, G-A-Y at 3am – but London’s labyrinthine public transport system is not one of them. Those gloomy shrieking tunnels and dense teeming stations are a world away from the sedate hush of church (although you might still find people praying there, if for slightly different reasons).
However, if God took the tube, we feel sure that these would be his commandments to you, his Oyster-wielding disciples. Amen.
Thou shalt perfect the art of the queue
Queues for the tube. Queues for the bus. Queues for RESTAURANTS. Remember when every hot new restaurant within a four-mile radius of central London decided that reservation systems weren’t cool anymore? We get it: queues round the block made your restaurant look shit hot – but making your customers wait three hours in the fragrant downdraft of fancy fried chicken is frankly an act of gastronomic terrorism.
Thou shalt honour your God (CityMapper)
CityMapper is definitely God. It is a gorgeous green sorcerer that helps you to navigate London’s intricate network of trains/DLR’s/buses/tubes/overgrounds without wanting to throw yourself into the Thames too much, and it plans every bit of your journey home like the Lord himself guiding you towards that eternal forever-darkness. Fun!
Thou shalt enjoy paying 20p for basic human rights
It is the Faustian internal conflict that every Londoner will at some point face, usually at 11pm walking through Victoria station. ‘Argh, I need the toilet. I’m not paying 20p for a basic human right. Fascists! But I do need a wee. FINE I’LL PAY THIS ONCE BUT NOT AGAIN’. Until next time, when once again, you really need a wee, and so the well-worn cycle doth continue.
Thou Shalt Remember That This Too Shalt Pass
Indeed it shalt. If the thing passing is Many, Many Hours, waiting for a train that was due yesterday. Train delays are a major bummer and unfortunately just something that comes as part and parcel with living in London. Sorry. We suggest you use the time to think of mean nicknames for the MP of your choosing.
Thou shalt take up less room
You’re a human, right? You know how much space you take up. So does John. Sadly, the central line has an interesting way of magically redefining the concept of space, turning reasonable adults like John into giant, angry babies determined to force their enormous filthy bodies onto a train that’s already full to bursting. Guys: the central line departs every two minutes. Cool it.
Thou Shalt Shun Journeys to Parties in Zone Nowhere
“Mate, come to this party, it’s amazing.”
“Cool, where is it?”
Thou Shalt Play Fast and Loose With the Concept of Bed
Unless your journey to the end of the line was intentional (seriously?), then ________ is this train’s final destination, all change please are the nine worst words in the London lexicon. Hearing them usually means that you’ve fallen asleep in a drunken stupor and missed your stop. Curses! Sorry, urban soldier – take solace in the fact that it’s happened to us all.
Thou shalt not make eye contact
What were you thinking? London is a sacred bastion of urban solitude. Respect that.
Yeah, so the journey’s a bit rubbish – why not make the destination worth it by booking onto one of our weird and wonderful events? From after-work poker to urban rambles and speakeasy visits, we promise they’ll be worth the fare AND the fury.